Oh, what a night! How I love walking down the red carpet that extends from my foyer into my family room, wearing my custom made Dior gown, sparkling jewels, and one of a kind Jimmy Choo heels. My smile is bright, my voice clear as I make my acceptance speech to the dozen or so stuffed animals that are entranced by my beauty, talent, and charm. Why is my family looking at me like I'm completely f*cked in the head?
UMMMM HELLO, it's Oscar night! Only my favorite night of the entire year!
I was so excited to blog about the Oscars, that is, until I watched them. The amount of bizarre, boring, and thoroughly messed up sh*t that went down was way too difficult for even MY advanced brain to keep track of. THANK G-D for Twitter. I spent the entire 17 (?) hours of the broadcast looking from screen to screen, laughing my *ss off at some f*cking hilarious people. Since I'm sure that most of you didn't do the same, I'm going to share a few of my favorite Oscar "tweets" (hate that word with a passion) from some of my most entertaining twitter "friends." I hope they make you LOL as hard as I did:
@JennyJohnsonHi5
You'll be happy knowing every woman at the Oscars has to piss through a SPANX crotch hole like some kind of fucking animal.
I'd rather watch my mom give my dad a hand job than hear Anne Hathaway sing.
@TheStevenWeber
AP: Mickey Rooney seen going down on Betty White at Governor's Ball. "I thought a troll was eating drapes!" says shocked janitor.
Now that Hollywood has ejaculated all over itself, it's time to go back to business.
@lizzwinstead
So what qualities did James Franco show & to whom, that would lead said people to believe he would be a chaming host of anything?
Sometimes I think these celebs have their face done with plastic surgery kit from Ikea
Funny stuff, right? Follow them on twitter. Let them know I sent you. Thanks b*tches! :)
A few other observations of my own from the night:
When the f*ck did Kelly Osbourne become a fashion guru? Wasn't it just a few years ago that she was a complete mess? So she does Dancing With The Stars, loses some weight, launches a line, and suddenly she's a style maven? Sh*t, if that's what having famous parents does for you, I'm putting myself up for adoption...Brad and Angelina, are you reading this? Furthermore, why, why, OH WHY aren't Stacy and Clinton on the red carpet. Obviously you can tell I'm a bit partial to their fashion advice and amazingly snarky yet sensitive way of helping people through their fashion disasters. They're PROS people. WTF! Instead of being in the thick of the action, Stacy is on twitter, tweeting her reactions to everyone's outfits. There is something majorly wrong with that. I, of course, was following her, and probably making her think that I am the biggest whack job on earth, as I chimed in my opinions as well. Seriously, I wouldn't let a plumber deliver my baby, or a lion tamer give me a bikini wax, why would I listen to anyone other than the professional fashionistas critique Hollywood's hottest night of glitz and glamour? I'm determined to start a petition to get them on the red carpet next year. Who better than to provide commentary & judgment on the stars' choices of WHO and WHAT to wear!
WTF was up with Celine Dion? I mean talk about the '90's. Ok, so she just had two babies. Big f*cking deal. I had two babies too. Can I invade your television every 15 minutes or so with my overly emotional songs and bizarre facial contortions? Just when I thought it was over, there she was again, on some stupid *ss commercial. Then again, singing one of the nominated songs. Jeez, enough already. Shouldn't she be home taking care of her eldest, Rene Charles Francois MapleLeaf MiracleChild, and newborn twins that she tried for SO long and went through SO much to have. I'm considering giving up my Mother of the Year award to her.
Anne Hathaway annoyed me quite a bit, James Franco looked stoned out of his mind. Men in Hollywood don't get Botox. Nicole Kidman had a VERY bad hair (and dress) day, and her face doesn't move. Amy Adams' dress: Fuh-uh-ugly! Halle Berry is hot, hot, hot! Still love me some Marky Mark. Melissa Leo said F*ck! <--The best part of the show, hands down. What did you think? Can't wait to hear! Love you B*tches! MWAH!
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