The blizzard has come and gone my friends. I'm thankful that the snow isn't coming down anymore, and that I have memories that will stick with me forever. If the 2 extra inches of padding that have miraculously appeared on my thighs during my confinement stick as well, I'm gonna lose my mind.
As I stare out the window while my kiddos walk around 7 ft of snow to the bus stop (it's not actually a bus stop but a glacier) my fond thoughts of last week make me feel all warm inside. Then I realize what's keeping me so toasty is the extra layer around my tummy. That's what eating out of sheer boredom and sitting around staring aimlessly out the window for days on f*cking end will do to a person, I guess. Instead of my usual workout regime and eating semi-healthy (just enough to keep off the muffin top) I gave up those few snow days to spend time in the F*cking North Pole armpit of the universe, or as we call it "Paradise." When the sh*t first hit the fan on the news Monday night that we may be expecting a "buttload" of snow similar to the likes of an Armageddon, I said "nah" they always say that. But when my kids got off the bus and a note was in the backpacks Tuesday, I realized our food situation was getting sad. So I called my WH at work and said,"Hey would you mind picking up some stuff in case we can't get out for a few days? Oh, and don't forget alcohol!" No problem. Well as you would know it, he left later than expected and has to rush through the grocery store. Something is better than nothing, I guess. Let's just say that the choices my WH makes when in a rush and hungry lead him to pretty much look like we are going to be feeding E.T.'s family or maybe the Oompaloompas .
No biggie, it's all good. I'll burn it off playing in the snow and working out in front of the TV!! Well...let's just say one day turned into three. Where the f*ck was Richard Simmons to bust in my door, get my *ss off the couch, and wire my jaw shut?? He didn't get my invite I guess. While there were some healthy choices in the fridge and freezer, I just kind of followed the kids and picked at their stuff. My pancakes with whipped cream and syrup turned into one long meal that lasted for three days straight. As I came out of my food coma and really started thinking about what I had consumed, I almost started to cry. Having the munchies is one thing, but the massive amount of food that I ingested is obscene. I began to make a list, kind of to prove to myself that it wasn't as bad as I thought. Yeah, right! I'm a f*cking sow! You lucky b*stards are the first to see my SDFH menu, here you go:
10 packs of hot cocoa, 1 large bag of marshmallows, 1 box of pancakes, 1 box of special K bars, 8 packs of scooby doo fruit snacks, 1 loaf of fat free bread, 6 leftover candy canes(large) 1 package of turkey sausage, 6 bags of popcorn, 1 package of trail mix, 3 bagels, 1/2 box Lucky Charms, 10 Spongebob pushups,
1/2 container of PB, 1/2 bag of Valentine hearts, cookie sprinkles, Christmas Nerds, animal crackers, Doritos, Chinese food for an actual dinner on Friday night, 1/2 gallon of frozen yogurt, 3 Gogurts.....OMG I can't even go on. I know there is more, but you and I both get the picture, and it's making me kinda sick. Thank g-d I'm not on Weight Watchers, because my points for the month would be blown!
What I need right now is for someone to give me a shovel and let me dig out the entire neighborhood, paths to the bus stops, and a few trails for me to walk my dogs on....maybe that will burn about half of the calories that I took in. And seriously, if anyone has ever had liposuction and would like to refer me to your doc, I'd truly appreciate it. Gotta go work out! See how easy it is to think like a B*tch!?!
Until next episode..............