Bulimics rejoice! I have just found a new way for you to toss your cookies (and whatever else you've been eating) without a finger getting close to your mouth. The secret: turn on your tv and watch TLC's "Toddlers and Tiaras". Believe me, this will have you puking your guts up within five minutes.
Well, unless you're a pageant parent (PP) that is. But I'm guessing if you were a PP you wouldn't be reading this because A. you're too busy primping, painting, and dressing your child as if she were a f*cking American Girl Doll, B.you're too busy getting completely b*tched out by your brat of a kid who has never heard the word no, or C. you have the equivalent of a 4th grade education and most of the words on this page are just too hard for you to read. Ahhhh yes, the Pageant Parent, filled with grace, beauty and charm. These people will knock your socks off with one HEE HAW! Holy hillbilly hell! One look and you can peg one of 'em from a mile away. Think crunchy, moussed, permed hair, back in a scrunchie, with three inches of root grown out because she hasn't had time to do her Clairol Nice & Easy at home dye job. The clothes are typical "my kids the star, not me" clothes. You know, acid washed or verrrry light, high waisted, tapered jeans, stretch pants, a boxy type t-shirt and a bra that either doesn't fit, doesn't lift, or just doesn't exist. Then there's the accent that is so f*cking thick their speech is almost unintelligible. Many are missing teeth which just adds to the allure. OMG I swear I'm watching an episode right now for material. This chick was just explaining why she entered her kids in pageants. Her explanation was that she thinks her kids are beautiful, and she wanted everyone to see. Really, because most of us out here think our kids are f*cking hideous and want to hide them in the dungeon in the basement until they become somewhat attractive enough to enter the world. WTF! Then the same lady is looking at dresses for her "pageant princesses" and realizes they're over $500 a pop, "Hay'll To The No" she ain't payin' that much munny. So in her words, she turned into "Magnum PI" and went on ebay to find dresses. When she gets the dresses she questions, "They don have boogers on 'em do they?" CLASS ACT! Did I forget to mention that her hair is three different colors, muffin top over stretch pants (which I didn't even know was possible), and a big 'ol missing space where her front tooth should be. But thank g-d she was wearing bright red lipstick, because that did so much to camouflage the missing tooth and bring her whole look together. Then there are the dads. They just creep the sh*t out of me.
EWWWWWWWW! As their kids are having major *ss meltdowns the PPs are talking about how much their kids looooovvvveee being in pageants! Crack my sh*t up. My guess is these mullet wearin' banjo playin' rednecks are still upset about not winning the 1985 trailer park beauty pageant, and thought, kick *ss, lets turn our kid into a whiny, bratty, spoiled, unrealistic, Barbie doll so that I can feel like I've succeeded. Gross and it makes me sick!
One of the moms just asked a 2 year old,"What did you just do?" The kid, in full makeup, hair extensions, and costume answers, "Achieved!" "No," says the mom in her hick accent, "you did not, you cried, what are you gonna do difern'ly next time?" Can someone please explain to me why the f*ck this isn't child abuse?
Just fyi...I'm not against all pageants. When people who can make choices for themselves decide to do the pageant "thing" I'm all for it. I love Miss America, Miss Universe, etc pageants. Yes, I realize that some of these women got started as toddlers, but I didn't see it so WTF do I care.
That being said, I need to bid you all adieu b*tches. I hear my daughters playing pageant once again in the next room. I need to go explain to them for the hundredth time, that they are beautiful, smart, wonderful girls, but they are going to grow to be dysfunctional enough just being my spawn, no need to add to it. G'night y'all!
FYI I'm kind of a pissy b*tch tonight, so this post may be meaner than usual. Don't think bulimia is funny, but it fit...
YSYRFT? (You sure you're ready for this?)
Welcome to B*tches in the Burbs. We're not sure how you got here, but we're glad you did. We absolutely can't wait to get started, but we need to warn everyone that this blog may be offensive to you if you are not truly a b*tchy girl. B*tchy girls can be found everywhere: young, old, any race, size, religion, etc. They can be married, divorced, single, engaged, moms, college students...the list goes on and on.
If the mere mention of mom jeans, candle parties, scrapbooking, or bunco excites you, trust us, this is DEFINITLEY NOT the site for you. STOP READING now and go back to your arts n crafts.
We have many friends who enjoy these different activities, and we're not looking to make mortal enemies, although we're pretty sure we will piss people off. To that we say TOO DAMN BAD. For those of you who continue to read despite the warning and are going to be offended, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, get off now. We don't want to hear, nor do we care about your bitchy comments or complaints about what we say. We're just trying to have a little fun!
Do you think you're a b*tchy girl? Scroll down to the bottom of the page and take the quiz and see!