SSB (Spinning Sweating B*tches)

I've belonged to the local upscale health club for 10 years. In that time I've seen people come and go. The ones who have stayed devout exercisers are usually fit, dedicated, svelte middle aged folk who are there to keep that youthful body intact, as much as gravity will allow. There are basically two categories of fitness enthusiasts who go to the gym:

1. The Career Stiffs: These members either have to get up at the ass crack of dawn or push themselves after a grueling day at work. It's essential that they sweat their tight little *sses off so they can look good in their dapper business attire, & don't feel guilty sitting on their duff for the next 9 hours. They know that when they take off their suit jacket or turn around in that tight dress with a hot little thong on, all those spin classes, crunches and miles on the "dreadmill" will have helped to "seal the deal." 
2.The Mommies: There are oodles of BM's in this bunch, but there are a few DMs that I have to thank for being the inspiration for this blog! The BMs are frickin' hot-to-trot little mamas. They usually have like 3 kids under the age of 5, who they quickly shuffle into the "Karing for Kids" center each morning. They get 2 hours to workout before they get paged that little Johnny, Joey, and Jilly have all crapped their pants, scratched Miss Emily, drew 150 pictures for the fridge, and are STARVING!  Yeah, they are there to take full advantage of that 2 hours and also to make damn sure their new True Religion Rhinestone jeans in size 00 fit before Saturday's GNO! They pick up the kids, throw them into the pimped Escalade with a Smucker's "Uncrustable" and a juice box, bring them home just in time for the nanny to show up, and then hit Panera for a half sandwich and giant skim latte with girlfriends to talk about all the DMs in Spin class. 

Which brings me to the subject of the DMs in Spin class. OMFG, there aren't many because most likely the DMs are home having an exciting scrapbook brunch, planning a crazy Bunco bash, or having a playdate! Ya see, the DMs are at the gym for either:
A.) heart and bone health, fitness education, or walkin' & talkin' while planning the next "neighborhood potluck dinner"
B.) they think they're cool having a gym membership, and that their fat *sses will just melt away because they are THERE 
C.) they are looking for new friends to recruit to Bible Study 
D.) they want to develop their toddlers' social skills 
E.) fuckin' a...all of the above
Clearly they're not trying to fit into their new awesome jeans. They prefer the dark washed, up to the tit, 3 sizes too big, good ol' Levis.  Most people who go to a gym and take a class, such as Spin, are going to be sweating their *ss off, literally. There really isn't any way around it, unless the teacher says, "Gee, let's just spin our wheels AS SLOW as we can and visualize a leisurely bike ride to the park, where we'll have a picnic with no sweating allowed! Who the f*ck are do these people think they are? Dorothy with her basket and dog, effortlessly flying through the air to meet her buddies in Oz? UMMMM NO, b*tches! This is a heart pounding, legs pumping, work your body til you can't work it any more class.   You're standing and spinning the pedals faster than Lance in the Tour De France (Well, it should feel like that!). You're climbing and the tension is so f*cking hard that you have to lean over like you're scaling a f*cking mountain. It can be so tremendous, you want to pass out at times and you pray  that you dont wake up on a stretcher. You leave a puddle of sweat on the floor. Your head drips profusely with salty sweat and you had better have a towel to mop your face occasionally or you'll be blinded. They say you burn like 600 calories in one 45 minute class! Kick ass, right? Those DMs are so fucking annoying. I look up from my exhausted stupor in class the other day, and I shit you not, this DM is sitting up with her perfect little muffin top posture, not a drip of sweat to be found, just staring out the window, wondering what was in that picnic basket we were soon to discover upon arriving at the park! I wanted to take her and her f*cking bike and whip her to OZ or Kansas, or at least through the window. Come on! This chick has been a member as long as I have. And I know she goes there like every day. One would think a gal like this MIGHT drop a pound or two spending 2 hours at the gym 4-5 days per week, right? F*ck no! There are the same 3 tires on that Michelin mid-section as there were 10 years ago. I would lose my f*cking mind just spinning my wheels like a little grandma for 45 minutes. Ya might as well get a workout in if you take the time to go to the class, honey! 

Sure, maybe her heart and bones are uber-healthy, her kids are developing excellent social skills, and I'm guessing her neighborhood has the best pot-luck around. But who the f*ck cares about all that? My new jeans are kick ass and I can't wait for Saturday night's drinking and dancing,  b*tches!