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BIT= B*tches in Training. Learn it!
I was a virgin until last night. Yes, I'm 39+ & have two kids. They were actually with me, as was the rest of my family, including my parents & cousins who were visiting from New Jersey. No one could ever call me prude, and the 10 minutes of fun that I had was well worth it. But I was left feeling distracted, bemused, hyped, and full of questions that would most likely never be answered.
If you can believe it, my "cherry" was "popped" at a restaurant called "The Bagel." I bribed my kids to behave by telling them if they were good, they could have one of the amazing bakery items on the way out. Yes, I bribe my kids, often too. F*ck you if you even think of judging me, and if you don't understand the science behind bribes you either:
A.)Don't have kids
C.)Let your kids walk all over you
D.)Are completely f*cking clueless and have no business reading this anyway
Anyhoo...Dinner was fab, hanging with my cousins brings me so much happiness, and the BITs were as perfect as kids can be. We went up to the bakery counter, the BITs began making their dessert choices, when I hear a man say, "I'll be right with you." I'm like, "Cool, no prob, we're not in a hurry." The kiddos decide what they want, I take a few steps down, waiting for the man to take our order, when he turns around. Holy Sh*t, I mean SHE turns around. Wait, HE or SHE? I have no f*cking clue!!! I grab my teenage cousin and take her to the counter with me, "Jess, tell me is this a guy or girl?" She's as confused as I am. As I'm standing there completely perplexed, I end up starting a conversation with this person, who couldn't have been friendlier, nicer, and more flamboyant. I was in heaven! The voice was definitely male, the makeup, ponytail, nail polish, and boobies were definitely not. The lack of body hair and very small adam's apple did nothing to help me solve the puzzle. I have to tell you that I really didn't give a sh*t, it was just so intriguing to me, as this was all a new experience. Yes, I was a transgender virgin. We ended up having so much fun talking to my new "friend." What a trip! It was so f*cking hilarious, my poor teenage cousin was in shock. My new "friend" was of Spanish descent, and wanted to know if any of us spoke the language. "Yes, she does!" her mom said. He/she started talking to Jess in Spanish. She literally stood there, jaw on the floor, half-*ssed smile on her face, nodding her head up and down. "Es tu mama? Es tu mama?" my "friend" kept asking her. The nod, smile, & dumbstruck look on her face was fricking priceless, considering the fact that she practically lived in Mexico at times and was proficient in the language. Finally, I kicked her and said, "Ummm, hello! He wants to know if that's your mom!?" "Oh, si si." she answered him, her eyes still glazed over, a little overwhelmed. We ended up chatting for a bit more, I of course, was loving every minute of it! Not only was this a new scene for me, my cousin was making me laugh my ass off, and my new friend was so nice and totally entertaining to talk to! My kids got their snacks, extra for free "just because," and with air kisses and waves good bye, we were on our way. The conversation that followed us to our cars was hilarious. Everyone was weighing in with their opinion, even 4 yr. old lil bit, who informed us that she had no clue what our problem was, that the nice person was definitely a man, DUH!
Whatev, I could really give a flying f*ck whether it was a man, woman, or anything in between. This spectacular human being was the sh*t, and I couldn't have asked for a more gratifying "first"! Love ya, b*tches and hope you all get to experience something new this week that makes you smile!! XO