Nice Beaver

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I try to take care of myself for the most part. The older I get, the more obsessed I become with staying in shape, feeling good, and looking my best. Even though I have my bad habits, I'll sweat my *ss off for 2 hours the day after a drinking binge with the girls, which is more often than I should admit.  I hate "average." I want to look different. Better. Hot, actually. Look around, you'll see the same mushy lunch lady body. That's fine, but it would be nice if they'd make an effort to maintain & nurture their other "parts."

I HATE hearing that "no time for myself" BS because they do find time to watch Dr. Phil, clip coupons, & wash f*cking drapery. How about the asses in jeans with the "smile" across across each cheek look?

I want to say, "Honey, you have 3 choices:     

~Either go to the gym and tone that shit up,               

~Wear a cute VS thong to hide your double butt and         

  maybe give the WH a boner,

~Go commando as I do, because I have those damn smiles

   no matter how many f*cking squats I do, & thongs

   have me digging like a kid who didn't wipe their ass."

Plus the WH kinda "digs" it too! 

Now...let's move around to the front. You didn't think I'd go there huh?  I need to touch on the almighty...... Vagina!! I realized that there is one thing I might have had in common with those aforementioned DMs............ till today, b*tches!  Urban dictionary refers to the vagina as a Va-jay-jay, Cooter, Poontang, Muff, Fish taco, Bearded clam, Slit, Honey pot, Snatch, Nookie, and so much more. It's a popular little "gift" we've been given. An unkempt one has it's own set of nicknames as well: Sas-crotch, Congo Crotch, Beaver Crotch, Jungle Crotch, etc. Well, I have recently discovered that it is way more sexy to have a Landing strip, Camaro crotch, or Naked chicken, as UD refers to a nicely groomed "area."   Wow, I never realized having the crotch of a 9 year old was hot.  Well, break out the hedge shears and pruning saws, this weed-wacker is going in! I can't believe I let this precious commodity go unattended to and ignored like a red-headed stepchild!  I was absolutely mortified at the amount of fluff that piled up beneath me! I took my Panasonic Lady Shaver & after wild pandemonium, I finally found flesh! It looked like the floor after Don King's haircut (but no grays, I swear!). One could make a fantastic toupee or sell that shit on E-Bay as Nick Jonas' haircut remains. Holy shit, how did the WH not get lost or eaten alive down there? I have to apologize to Dr. Jellyfinger, too! 

So you ask, "Are my "parts" now stunningly coiffed, modern, and very un-average?" You bet your britches! And speaking of britches, you wont find any pussycat whiskers peeking out of mine at the pool this summer! Shit, I might even ditch the "skort" and get a string bikini for my new "vertical smile!" Take care of those twats, b*tches! It doesn't have to be a jungle down there! Smooches!