Welcome to B*tches in the Burbs. We're not sure how you got here, but we're glad you did. We absolutely can't wait to get started, but we need to warn everyone that this blog may be offensive to you if you are not truly a b*tchy girl. B*tchy girls can be found everywhere: young, old, any race, size, religion, etc. They can be married, divorced, single, engaged, moms, college students...the list goes on and on.
If the mere mention of mom jeans, candle parties, scrapbooking, or bunco excites you, trust us, this is DEFINITLEY NOT the site for you. STOP READING now and go back to your arts n crafts.
We have many friends who enjoy these different activities, and we're not looking to make mortal enemies, although we're pretty sure we will piss people off. To that we say TOO DAMN BAD. For those of you who continue to read despite the warning and are going to be offended, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, get off now. We don't want to hear, nor do we care about your bitchy comments or complaints about what we say. We're just trying to have a little fun!
Do you think you're a b*tchy girl? Scroll down to the bottom of the page and take the quiz and see!
About 7 years ago I attended my first "Surprise Party" at a friend's house. It clearly was my kind of party with fun b*tches, flowing booze, and the run of the mill sex lotions, potions, and standard vibrating plastic weenies. To my surprise, however, when it was time to sit and listen to the sales spiel, I would discover I was a virgin to the world of pointy colorful objects that came bustling out of 2 huge suitcases, all of which were available to take home that night! Ooh, this could get "nutty!" ;) We sat in a big circle, wine in one hand, order form of 100 items in the other. She pulls out some cream. Ok, woop-dee-doo. Been there done that. Smells like vanilla, tastes like vanilla. It's frosting in a tube to make you or your spouse taste like a cupcake instead of fish or sweat. Well, who couldn't use that and it's $6? I check the box to order it. Next item to pass, is a little stringy thong and see-through top made of 2" of lace and a little thread. Yawn, I've seen these a thousand times and I hate wearing them because I look like an idiot and have 6 others at home with tags. Besides, they're on for 2 minutes, unless you do the strip-tease, and I look ridiculous doing that. Plus, the WH would be "done" before we even started if I spoil him with a fore-dance, right? So I take a pass on the "Naughty Negligee," my hot naked body is enough. Moving along, she pulls out a little purple rubbery rabbit, affectionately called "The Wascally Wabbit." It vibrates and is waterproof, petite, and it could make things vewwy vewwy intewesting! Now it's getting good! Only $19? Sold. Next toy is "Officer Night Stick." It's a f*cking dildo of a police officer. It looks like one of those Weeble Wobbles from childhood, but longer and much more entertaining! "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down" was their slogan, as it should be for "Officer Night Stick!" How much? $25? I'll take it. Oh, the next one is a keeper: Nipple Nibblers in strawberry flavor! It's cool and creamy and will make your tits look and taste like fruit topped cupcakes! Gotta buy a gift for the WH, so here it is, his $7 container of fun. Wait, I guess it would be more fun for me. Oh well. What sex toy party is complete without fuzzy handcuffs? I never had those and I might even shackle up the WH if he pisses me off. Just kidding! Every bedroom needs a pair, no matter what you decide to use them for, b*tches. They're only $14. What the hell? Things were getting exciting now as she pulls out boas, lubricants, games, and more toys! These little wonder wands were getting bigger and better. They had adjustable vibrations, rotating heads, multiple appendages, disco sparkling lights...you name it! Speaking of naming it, here are just some of the dildos to choose from: Lucky Dragon, Mister Buzzy, Jack Frost, Willie Wonka, Big Teaze, Monte Carlo, Pink Passion, Jelly Osaki, Eager Beaver, and so much more! They got bigger and scarier. You'd have to have a huge cavern down there to enjoy some of these girthy gadgets! But there were plenty of cute little fun ones that I could stash anywhere for a little mid-day pissy mood "pick-me-up." The Silver Bullet, the Mini Massager, and the Slim Jim are a few of my faves. They never pull a hair, make a mess, or poke around where they're not invited. I can keep one in my purse, in my dresser, in the car, and one in the bathroom! 8 toys, 3 creams, and too much wine later, I wrote my $185 check, took my little brown bag of tricks home and hid my goodies like they were illegal weapons. Apparently I didn't hide the little purple Wabbit too well because 5 year old lil BIT found it!! I explained it was a neck massager and quickly brushed her off. A few weeks later, she found it while Grandma was babysitting and asked if she could massage her back. OMFG! We girls just like our vibrating stuff! So, b*tches, say NO to Tupperware, Pampered Chef, and Southern Living parties. Say YES to "Toy" parties for a guaranteed good time, and if you have little BITs, hide them well or your mother in law might get a hand massage with Strawberry Nipple Nibblers!
Since our post "Botox Bonanza" seemed to hit home with many of you, we thought it only appropriate to review & report on some of the sh*t we've used. This is for you, b*tches: the ever so vain readers that would rather sit back and enjoy our b*tch sessions and take it all in. We're always speaking from the heart (yes we b*tches do have one). I think that we can all agree that aging bites the big one! We feel compelled to do the only thing we can: try to help our faithful followers out by offering some free advice! We have already come clean about Botox and how we feel about our options out there. While we can't comment YET on major plastic surgeries from a personal standpoint, we do admit to buying whatever works for us to look & feel great, whether it be clothes, undergarments, and of course face products! Yes b*tches...some of us secretly believe that there may be a product that can take years off in one day. I'm sure I've spent over $1000 in creams and serums promising me that "smooth as a baby's bottom look"...and what do I have to show for it?
Any plastic surgeon will tell you it's impossible. Once you've f*cked it up royally in the sun, & have spent years "moving your face too much" apparently you're screwed. I was actually told by a doctor that my expressions have left my wrinkles beyond repair. Thanks! So while we continue to save for the "big stuff," we'll keep experimenting, searching for the magic potion that will turn back time, or at least make us look like we have!
Coming at you live from my boudoir, this is RR reporting for BIBS in this week's feature of Rips 'n Tips!
Here it is b*tches, BIBS top 10 list of best & worst face products of 2011. (mind you I'm not a professional and only play one on TV)
1. Peter Thomas Roth Instant Firm Temporary Face Tightener-absolutely amazing! Could care less if my face feels like a baby's *ss for only 10 minutes, it's worth the $100 bucks or so!!! I don't care if there's horse spooge in this product..Holy shit! You cleanse your face, apply a small layer, & in a few minutes of not moving, you look in the mirror, and I'm not even kidding, there is not one wrinkle on your face!! WTF!! Of course there is an end to the climax when it starts to wear off! You're screaming at the mirror "No don't gooooooo!!!!" It's a huge tease, but wow! It has to be rinsed or else there's white crap all over your face...but it looks great under makeup for a few hours!!
2. Patricia Wexler MD No Injection Wrinkle Smoother-This was one of the first products I tried last year and it's a bit pricey but when you apply to your "elevens", it smoothes them out pretty well for a few hours. I buy the sample sizes and it's cheaper that way. Under moisturizer, it's great!
3. Hyaluronic acid capsules- Got these from Walgreens and not sure of the brand...probably any capsules with pure hylaluronic acid is good at night under cream. I really think the capsules are concentrated and work best. Hyaluronic acid is what fillers are made of (the injectable kind) but if you can find concentrated serum, it works well!
4. Garnier Nutresee Night Cream- This is a regular pharmacy bought product and guess what b*tches, I like it. It's light and your skin really feels moist in the morning
Did I just say "moist"??? I f*cking hate that word, but I guess it's appropriate here.
5. Patrica Wexler All Day Face Cream with SPF 30- Most of the products in her line are awesome. It's available at Bath and Body Works. The moisturizer for lines and regular skin is great! It really plumps and makes your skin glow.
The final "best" item isn't a cream, it's a mascara I recently found that's cheap, amazing, & doesn't clump fast....
6. Rimmel London Glam Eyes Lash Flirt!- WOW...incredible! You won't need to wear as much, & your lashes look like you're ready for some action...need I say more?
1. Heidi Klum's "In an Instant" face wash, serum, eye cream instant wrinkle eraser- I saw this constantly on late night infomercials and I thought, "WTF why not?" Heidi swears by it! It even has a money back guarantee! Of course I'll love it, Heidi wouldn't lie! She's soo sweet! They even showed the girls "before" picture, using the product & "instantly" they looked wrinkle free! Yeah, right! Either I'm a sucka, or I have horrible skin that goes way beyond frickin' repair. This did not work at all for me.
2.Dr. Denese Cellular Firming Cream- This is a liquid. You apply a couple drops at night then put on a lotion. It smells like lavender and made me break out immediately! I had heard from others that it was pricey but worth it. I hate coughing up the big bucks at expensive boutiques such as "HSN" where this shitty *ss product was from. I usually go on eBay and get smaller sizes (good tip b*tches). It's supposed to regenerate collagen...maybe the 'scientists" switched my potion with Meth?
3. Loreal Collagen Filler- Ok, whatever lovely spokesperson drove me to buy this piece of poop (POP), obviously eats shrooms daily, & is constantly hallucinating. I realize you need to give it time so I waited, and waited...nada. You fill the lines in & let the product sink into your wrinkles. It says you can leave it, but it creates little white balls of doodoo on your face that look like you just gave some good H.... Enough with that..
4. Patricia Wexler MD Acne Face Wash-I was told at the store, even though I don't have acne, to use this because it has Glycolic Acid and "acnostat" that helps resurface skin the best. Well, while I felt refreshed at first, it did jacksh*t for my skin. However, her other products are awesome! Nobody's perfect, right?
I know there are more BEST than WORST products, that's pretty cool, right? I'll have way more to talk about soon so stay tuned!
Hope you B*tches enjoyed my first investigative piece! Love and kisses & here's lookin at you with a tighter face.....
I try to take care of myself for the most part. The older I get, the more obsessed I become with staying in shape, feeling good, and looking my best. Even though I have my bad habits, I'll sweat my *ss off for 2 hours the day after a drinking binge with the girls, which is more often than I should admit. I hate "average." I want to look different. Better. Hot, actually. Look around, you'll see the same mushy lunch lady body. That's fine, but it would be nice if they'd make an effort to maintain & nurture their other "parts."
I HATE hearing that "no time for myself" BS because they do find time to watch Dr. Phil, clip coupons, & wash f*cking drapery. How about the asses in jeans with the "smile" across across each cheek look?
I want to say, "Honey, you have 3 choices:
~Either go to the gym and tone that shit up,
~Wear a cute VS thong to hide your double butt and
maybe give the WH a boner,
~Go commando as I do, because I have those damn smiles
no matter how many f*cking squats I do, & thongs
have me digging like a kid who didn't wipe their ass."
Plus the WH kinda "digs" it too!
Now...let's move around to the front. You didn't think I'd go there huh? I need to touch on the almighty...... Vagina!! I realized that there is one thing I might have had in common with those aforementioned DMs............ till today, b*tches! Urban dictionary refers to the vagina as a Va-jay-jay, Cooter, Poontang, Muff, Fish taco, Bearded clam, Slit, Honey pot, Snatch, Nookie, and so much more. It's a popular little "gift" we've been given. An unkempt one has it's own set of nicknames as well: Sas-crotch, Congo Crotch, Beaver Crotch, Jungle Crotch, etc. Well, I have recently discovered that it is way more sexy to have a Landing strip, Camaro crotch, or Naked chicken, as UD refers to a nicely groomed "area." Wow, I never realized having the crotch of a 9 year old was hot. Well, break out the hedge shears and pruning saws, this weed-wacker is going in! I can't believe I let this precious commodity go unattended to and ignored like a red-headed stepchild! I was absolutely mortified at the amount of fluff that piled up beneath me! I took my Panasonic Lady Shaver & after wild pandemonium, I finally found flesh! It looked like the floor after Don King's haircut (but no grays, I swear!). One could make a fantastic toupee or sell that shit on E-Bay as Nick Jonas' haircut remains. Holy shit, how did the WH not get lost or eaten alive down there? I have to apologize to Dr. Jellyfinger, too!
So you ask, "Are my "parts" now stunningly coiffed, modern, and very un-average?" You bet your britches! And speaking of britches, you wont find any pussycat whiskers peeking out of mine at the pool this summer! Shit, I might even ditch the "skort" and get a string bikini for my new "vertical smile!" Take care of those twats, b*tches! It doesn't have to be a jungle down there! Smooches!
Lil Bit's (4 yr old) favorite saying in the entire world is, "My daddy's the bestest." It's so cute, and trust me, I love that she adores her dad so much. But...it is kind of annoying that every f*cking time I ask her something, the response I get pretty much goes like this..."NO, Daddy will help me, because my daddy's the bestest. NO, I don't want to sit by you, only Daddy, because my daddy's the bestest..." Hey, no problem my precious little angel...just because I carried you inside my body for 9 f*cking months, pushed your huge *ss head outta my coochie, have taken care of you every day since, and love you so much it f*cking hurts...don't worry about it, I'll be fine. Really. Lil bit has been happier than a pig in sh*t for the past week or so, because Daddy took some time off of work. She's been waking up in the morning and goes straight to him, not even batting an eyelash my way. Whatever. It's been a nice little break for me. Yesterday afternoon, he took both daughters for a walk. They're walking and talking, having a great time, and he tells them that he's gotta go back to work today, not really sure what their reactions will be. BIT(11 yr old) is fine with it, she's in school all day anyway. He looks to lil bit, somewhat concerned about how she's going to take the news. Well...she looks at him and says, "That's okay Daddy, I get to stay home with someone who I love & really loves me." (Phew, thank G-D). He replies, "I know you do honey, you get to be with Mommy." To which she announces..."No Daddy, not MOMMY...Ginny!" Ummmm...Ginny is our F*CKING dog!
Can't imagine what this day is going to bring, b*tches, stay tuned ;)! xoxo
We've been best friends since we were 12 years old. Almost 30 f*cking years, and whenever we're together we have more fun than ever. We have experienced every milestone and "first"as friends. It always amazes us that when we're together we still find new ways to amuse ourselves. We usually end up daring each other to do asinine things. Of course, it can get us into trouble at times, but honestly it's well worth it. Every time we're together and drinks are involved, we tend to act like we're in high school all over again.
We've made it pretty f*cking clear that we're vain! That's not really an uncommon trait in women these days, especially in those of us over 39 searching for the fountain of youth. Sure, we may feel 25 on the inside, but trust us, every line, wrinkle, stretch mark, and extra centimeter of skin is cause for extreme panic. Can we have everything we need to be totally cool and confident? F*ck no!!! We never seem to be happy with ourselves physically, no matter how beautiful we may be. Whose fault is this you ask?? Well...it's the other f*ckers that ruin it for us, by either one-upping us on the youth curve, having more money than we do, or enjoying the benefits of their filthy rich sugar daddies. We've tried every d*mn cream, gel, face tape, and holistic approach out there, and while the ads are quite convincing, they all f*cking suck. So, instead of wasting any more time or money on these bullsh*t remedies, we decided f*ck it, if the fountain of youth is in a syringe or knife, we just don't care!! We WANT it!! We know we look pretty good. But the amount of time we spent in the sun with baby oil covering our bodies (who the f*ck ever heard of SPF?), not to mention the amount of partying we did throughout our youth, has definitely taken its toll. It's time for us to face it , the competition is fierce and we don't like it.
Speaking as one of the BIBs, I personally fell for the frozen forehead craze last week. It kinda feels a bit like someone put paper mache on my head and forgot to remove it, but d*mn, it looks GOOD...for now!!! Not a line or wrinkle in sight. My forehead is as smooth as a baby's bottom...for now!!! Three months down the road, guess what? I've gotta go back for more. But like an addict, I'm already on the bandwagon. I've started a botox fund, and at the first sight of my forehead showing any expression, I'm banging down the doctor's door and begging her to shoot me up! Seriously, I don't care if it's the middle of the night.
We all know that too much of anything, even a good thing, can really mess you up. Will you promise me one thing b*tches? When I begin to look like a figure out of Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, PLEASE plan an intervention, send me away, and treat me for my addiction. I know I can count on you, unless YOU'RE in the process of being botoxicated yourselves, then I'm totally f*cked!
Thanks to Jessica Simpson, I bought the most kick *ss pair of shoes the other day. Absolutely gorgeous, sky high, stripper heels, and I have no f*cking clue where I'm going to wear them. I've spent a good amount of time prancing around my house in them, striking different poses and stopping to check myself out in the mirror in various outfits. D*mn, they look hot! My day to day routine consists mostly of errands to places like Target, Walgreens, the grocery store, & the mall. I pick up & drop off at pre-school, middle school, take my BITs to dance class, appointments, & playdates, and basically run around doing a whole lot of sh*t to make sure my family is taken care of. Every f*cking place I go I'm surrounded by dowdy DMs in their baggy, outdated, frumpy old get ups, not giving a crap whether they've washed their hair in days, let alone put on a little lipstick. Even if there is some hot little Chiquita banana hiding somewhere underneath the surface, you'd never in a million years know it. G-d D*mn it pisses me off so bad, and I don't even know why! I want to walk up to them, rip off their stupid ugly *ss lavender turtleneck, pleated slacks, Playtex 18 hour bra, granny panties, sensible loafers, & WWJD canvas bag and throw the entire f*cking ensemble into a fire and watch it burn. Why the f*ck does motherhood have to mean looking like a disheveled mess? I mean, seriously!?! I guess I could walk around looking like a homely slob, in sweats, non form-fitting clothes that do nothing to flatter my figure, but why the f*ck would I? Truth is, I really like looking good! I like the way I feel inside when I put on a cute outfit, do my hair, makeup, & nails and walk out the door. I hold my head higher, smile brighter, and add a little more bounce to my step. I don't dress like a skank & I don't dress inappropriately for my age. I just DRESS! So listen up all you DM's out there, I've got a bit of advice for you. Take that hideous ragged old Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt, camel toe mom jeans, crocs, scrunchies, and anything else that makes you look & FEEL like a tired, frumpy, unattractive old bag, and get rid of it. I don't mean stash it in the back of your closet for a day when you're OTR, just throw the f*ckers out. Now, the next time you go to the grocery store put on a cute shirt, hot pair of jeans that hug your *ss, cute little pumps or sandals, hair, makeup, & nails done, and walk in there like you f*cking own the place. Wait and see the reaction you get from people. There's no doubt in my mind that you'll feel like a fricking rock star! So thank you Jessica Simpson for making the hottest shoes I own. I can't f*cking wait to put them on and strut my stuff. Anyone want to join me?!? Happy weekend, b*tches, hope you find somewhere to show off what you've got!