OOO (Oscar, Oscar, Oscar)

Oh, what a night! How I love walking down the red carpet that extends from my foyer into my family room, wearing my custom made Dior gown, sparkling jewels, and one of a kind Jimmy Choo heels. My  smile is bright, my voice clear as I make my acceptance speech to the dozen or so stuffed animals that are entranced by my beauty, talent, and charm. Why is my family looking at me like I'm completely f*cked in the head?

ETO (Eminem Takes Over)

DM=Dorky Mom If you haven't looked at our acronym list, you should. It helps!

If any DM's overheard me yapping about my lack of parenting this week, I have no doubt they'd be outside my door, crocs and all, protesting my right to be a mother.  I'm so "proud" of  my wonderful offspring! They now have an all new vocabulary that would put Snoop Dog to shame. 

CT (Can't Think)

When TT and I were in sixth grade, our Language Arts teacher, Mrs. O, had us keep a journal in class.  We could write about whatever we wanted, even private things, we just had to make sure that we wrote for the entire time alotted.  She assured us that she wouldn't look at our "secret" pages, all we had to do was fold them over if we didn't want her to see.  Bullsh*t! As if the second we walked out the door, she didn't run for those f*ckers and search for the folded pages.  She probably found out so much sh*t about us. B*tch. She had such a stick up her *ss anyway. 

MFH (Mall From Hell)

Which part of "look in the f*cking mirror before you leave the house" is so difficult to understand? How could I have possibly known that my 20 minute trip to the mall was going to be so unbelievably disturbing?  I had to practically shield my poor little BIT's eyes to prevent severe psychological damage that would take years of therapy to correct.

BD (Bachelor Drama)

Damn, I'm so much funnier and creative when I'm drinking. I should have written this last night after 4 glasses of chardonnay and a couple bites of my lame Valentine's Day dinner at home. I was in a perfectly giddy mood for ripping on "The Bachelor".

FM (Foul Mouth)

We got us a MB (man b*tch) who will be a guest writer from time to time.  Enjoy his first post!

GGW (GrammysGone Wild) Letter to my Rock Stars

If there is any indication that rock stars and other random musicians need me in their lives, it's the Grammy's.  As I watch one of my favorite shows of the year (cuz I love freaks and music), I realize that with gobs of money you can use your "uniqueness" and turn it into something that has been beamed down from another planet!

VD (Valentine's Day, not your typical post!)

(Translations, learn 'em: DQ: drama queen, daugher 1, LB: little b*tch, daughter 2, TFB: too f'n bad)

Happy Valentine's Day, B*tches.  Love it, hate it, don't give a sh*t?  However you feel about it I hope you get to spend it with someone you love, or at least don't despise.

BOW (B*tch on Wheels)

I have a cold. I feel like sh*t. I am a crabby, pissy b*tch, and I feel truly sorry for anyone who had to have anything to do with me today.  Well, almost anyone, because there are the few, the proud, the faithful, who, even when I  hit rock bottom and am so b*tchy I can't even stand myself, continue to come back for more. Kudos to these crazy b*tches because they always end up making me laugh!

TBGD (The Blizzardgate Diet) The continuation of SDFH...

The blizzard has come and gone my friends. I'm thankful that the snow isn't coming down anymore, and that I have memories that will stick with me forever. If the 2 extra inches of padding that have miraculously appeared on my thighs during my confinement stick as well, I'm gonna lose my mind.

UPDATE PART DEUX

If you've been following the "Talent Show Saga." you're gonna love this!

TNT (Toddlers & Tiaras)

Bulimics rejoice!  I have just found a new way for you to toss your cookies (and whatever else you've been eating) without a finger getting close to your mouth.  The secret: turn on your tv and watch TLC's "Toddlers and Tiaras".  Believe me, this will have you puking your guts up within five minutes. 

BOTV (Bitches on TV) Guys and Girls

Hey B*tches,
I think it's time to shake things up a bit and create something new on our blog.  This is going to be our very first list, and lucky you, you're among the first to see it!
Hold on tight, b*tches, cuz here we go..........

Run, Bitch, Run

(Key: BM= B*tchy Mom  DM=Dorky Mom BDM= B*tchy Dorky Mom)

My 2 daily running pals are THE world's nicest girls. They are not DMs, but are also not BMs. They are the kind of girls who show concern for others, they do good deeds constantly, they always say nice things. They dont talk behind backs. They are non-judgemental. They give the best advice. They dont bullsh*t. They are absolutely genuine to the core. Basically, they are the opposite of me but as the saying goes...."opposites attract", right?

SDFH (Snow Days From Hell)

Okay B*tches, here's my tale from SDFH.

UHGTBKM (You Have Got to Be Kidding Me)

For anyone who has been following our blog, you can only imagine my reaction when I just received this email:

GWATB (Gotta Write About the Blizzard)

I get annoyed. It happens quite frequently and very easily.  Shocking, no?  Now unless you are a total b*tch like me, you probably don't get bothered by the same things as I do.  But, given the fact that we've been blogging for almost a month (wow!) I'm thinking that most of you who read this get who we are and what we stand for. So if you're offended by our level of b*tchiness, get outta here now.

B*tch Sesh #1

My preschooler and I were headed out the door yesterday. She was going to her BFF's house to hang while I was going to (ahem) a job interview (more on that later).