BD (Bachelor Drama)

Damn, I'm so much funnier and creative when I'm drinking. I should have written this last night after 4 glasses of chardonnay and a couple bites of my lame Valentine's Day dinner at home. I was in a perfectly giddy mood for ripping on "The Bachelor".

So now sober, tired, and annoyed, I'll give my best analogy of the show that is certainly, certainly, THE most DRAMATIC season ever! Can't they use a new word for dramatic like intense, insane, astounding, climatic, exciting, eye-opening, surprising? Come on! I'm starting to catch on, after like 5 years, to the fact that NONE of the episodes are THAT dramatic! In fact, unless your head is stuck so far up your * ss, you've noticed that they're all starting to be pretty f*cking predictable!
You know there will be one super smart, bubbly, well educated, independent, stubborn, corporate type chicky (Ashley) that will have to dumb it down for "Brad the Asshat/Hillbilly/Tool." Wait, WTF is she doing there if she has it all?  She's a f*cking dentist! You are not gaining credibility showcasing yourself on this show, hot stuff. Go find someone who knows what orthodontic means and get your big mansion with the nanny and minivan on a cute lakefront suburb with some other bunco b*tches .  Then there's always one screwed up, over-confident, volatile whack job who you love to hate (Michelle- the hairdresser). If I had a nickel for every time the hubby has said, "Now that's the devil right there" about that slut... Um, yeah,  he likes the show too, along with The stupid Kardashians, What Not To Wear, Say Yes To The Dress, and that midget one too. But, that's getting off the subject. Anyhoo, there is always some perfect sweet adorable girl that you know right away is THE one for him and, of course, gets dumped (several from this season). There is usually one sexy babe that weighs a whopping 110 pounds rather than the anorexic 85 like the rest of the girls. Poor thing ends up looking  like a f*cking moose (Chantal--not the embalmer). She's so outta there! Then, there's always the hot southern broad with a kid that you wonder HTF do they leave that poor little Toddler (in a tiara) at home for like 3 months? And she won't even introduce little Ricky Bobby (Taladega Nights--lol) to the man she QUITE possibly will be engaged to very, VERY soon? Imily (lol, Emily), I don't get it! Yer lookin' fer a baby daddy but he don't gets to meet er till......like the fucking weddin'?
Oh wait, there won't be a wedding because......drum roll.......there NEVER f*cking IS one on this show!  And, duh, because out of every chick in the whole wide world you have to choose one out of 25. And, you didn't even have a say in who the first 25 women ar to begin with. But f*ckin a, you get to be on tv and everyone will know your name.  Dude, go find a corner bar.,Hellloooooo....... ever heard of Match.com, e-Harmony, J-date, etc? Well, maybe you haven't heard of J-date. That's where Jews can find each other specifically, highly doubt yer searchin' there.
Brad, Brad, Brad.........You don't have to f*ck this up again, dear boy! Now that you left 2 women basically at the alter, this time you're really going to need therapy if you don't pick one! Let me go out on a limb here and predict. You pick Imily. She says "YIS I WEEL". You do the whole lovey dovey publicity bullsh*t for a couple months. You collect some royalty money. You then realize "Sh*t, I don't want this basket case that can't get over her dead husband who died in a plane crash. No, it was on the race track. No, it was in a plane crash. Whatever. Plus, she has this little brat she is very protective of.  and I've only met 'er like twice.  Now I gotta hear that f*cking dead guy's name every time Imily addresses lil' Ricky Bobby!"
And....... they break up. Brad's an asshole again for dumping yet another girl. And Imily becomes the next Bachelorette!
 See, I have this amazing ability to predict the outcome of this show! OK, fine b* tches. You thought the same thing too. How stupid of a show is this? I'll tell you how stupid. I LIVE LIVE LIVE for Monday nights. I usually hang with girlfriends at one of our houses till 12am (ok sometimes 2am) and we watch, pause, analyze, eat, watch, pause, analyze, drink. We pick our faves and  try to guess who has bad breath, fake boobs, or a vagazzled hoohah.  We get soooo sad when the season is nearing an end and even more sad when our predictions come true with a horrific break-up and emerging details of scandalous activity! Nah, not really. They get to vacate their sh*tty life for a few months, jet setting to various islands and sip on pina coladas all day long. They get tons of clothes, jewelry, personal training sessions, and a a f*cking chef for crying out loud! Who the hell cares what happens, right?
What I want to know is when they're going to have the 40+ show! THAT will be THE most DRAMATIC ever! Divorced gold-digging b*tches with their 5 kids, C-section scars, bushy cooter, saggy tits, cottage cheese legs basking in the sun..........Get in line, b*tches. I've already got my name on top of the list!

Have yourself the most dramatic day ever b* tches! 


Make sure you FOLLOW US ON HERE AND ON TWITTER! Easy to do. Go to the right or up to the top left, click on follow and that's it. As for Twitter, there is a big button on the top right that says "Follow me on Twitter." Click on it. Ta da! Thanks for reading and continuing to laugh at our rants. You b*tches are awesome!