SDFH (Snow Days From Hell)

Okay B*tches, here's my tale from SDFH.
 Really, it was kind of exciting the night we knew the "big one" was hitting Chi town.  It's the Blizzard of 2011, and holy sh*t we are part of history.  Sleeping in, hot cocoa, catching up on my DVR, reading, yadda, yadda, yadda.  That was Tuesday...Wednesday morning I got up at 10 a.m. still half asleep and realize my kids have been up for 3 fricking hours.  I say to myself, "It's okay, I can do this, WH is home today.  He's not going anywhere since there is four feet of mindblowing mountains of snow blocking the garage.  I'm sure he will help me keep them entertained all day (hahaha).  The kids are like, "Daaaddddyyyy," and I'm like, "Yeah, where is Daddy?"  He is nowhere to be found.  Perfect!  Momentarily I forget about his annoyingly timed absence, and take my camcorder to the window to capture the beauteous heap of white sh*t outside the door.  Lo and behold, as I get to the window, I see it's "him" looking like the f*cking Marlboro man with a bandana tied around his neck and mouth because he is too cool to own a scarf. On his feet are topsiders from, I swear, 1988 because he doesn't have snow boots, and g-d forbid he ruin his new Nike Shocks.  He is snowblowing a path to the back gate.  I, in the meantime, am narrating the scene outside so we can lovingly look back on "Blizzardgate 2011," when Holy Sh*t out of the clear blue my WH leaps over the fence so he can open it on the other side.  Oh crap, he's out for the count now, because I know that he will be laid up, heating pad on his back for the rest of the day.  Kick *ss, there goes my day.  Daddy won't be doing anything to help! So...after he pulls his "Bionic Man" routine, I begin to worry a bit. I yell out to him,"You need help shoveling?"  To which he replies, "No, stay inside, I'm already annoyed enough."  I'm thinking, "Is it too early to open my bottle of vino?  It is already 11:30.  Nah, I may need it later, and there's no way in h*ll I'm getting out of the garage today."  


The kiddos decide they're hungry.  I make the "breakfast of champions," pancakes, syrup, whipped cream, and chocolate syrup.  Whatever BIBS,  it's one lone snow day, give the kids a break.  Fine, fine if you must know, I took a "few" bites too.  After breakfast, I look out the front window, wearing a scrunchie, Bon Jovi tank, no bra, and plaid pj bottoms. My coffee was in one hand, phone in the other, when Holy f*cking Kevin Bacon movie, all the neighbors (including wives) were outside taking turns shoveling and snowblowing.  At different points, they each turned to my window and waved hello to me.  Of course I didn't want to be rude, so I waved back with a huge smile on my face as I drank my hot coffee and watched the show go on.  I'm thinking, "Should I whip out my inhaler so they don't judge me and realize that I "can't" possibly be out there with my "condition."  Maybe I should offer them hot toddies in cups I got from my forced SL collection."  Oh f*ck it, who cares.  Let them get frostbite, I'm keeping my fingers.  


Anywho...was I righter than sh*t! WH comes in moaning, "Where's the Advil, and do you have anymore vitamin X?" And I say, "WTF for?  Your back???" That sh*t's gold!  I'm totally conflicted at this point. Part of me is so fricking excited that he's gonna go upstairs and pass out and I don't have to deal with his b*tching and moaning all day. The other part is so beyond upset. What about "fun daddy?" He was my relief for the day!  


In the meantime, the kids did manage to go outside and build forts, while the paranoid mom in me made sure that the snow didn't cave in on them.  FYI my own Jewish Mom had called ten times already to warn me about the dangers of snow and children.  No sh*t Sherlock, thanks Ma!  


Now I realize it's 8 PM and I've had it.  I'm so ready to take a shower, put my kids to bed, and watch all of the Chelsea episodes on my DVR.  When wouldn't you know it, the d*mn phone rings.  I check caller ID and "Noooooooo!" It's the school calling, "Due to treacherous road conditions, blah, blah, blah..." Oh sh*t another snow day tomorrow, b*tches.  Stay tuned for more...